看老外如何修改雅思文章

從事雅思教學(xué)這么多年，我深知中國學(xué)生在英語學(xué)習(xí)方面存在哪些毛病，也深知他們在雅思寫作考試中為什么得不到高分。當(dāng)然也有些東西我至今自己也弄不明白，比如語言的感覺，比如語言的習(xí)慣，這些東西太玄了，不在英語國家生活十幾年恐怕不能完全搞清楚。如今，學(xué)英語的中國人越來越多，要參加各類英語考試的人也越來越多。中國人學(xué)英語，語法可以很精通，詞匯可以很高級，句型可以很復(fù)雜，但是在寫作考試中還是很難得到理想的成績。原因很多，也很難用中國人自己的猜測說明白。既然中國人自己很難搞清楚，那就看看說英語的人是怎么看中國學(xué)生的英語文章吧。

Barry D. Steben, 加拿大籍，中文名石百睿，主要從事翻譯及中日文化歷史研究，在新加坡、日本及香港諸多頂尖級大學(xué)擔(dān)任過翻譯老師，現(xiàn)任上海外國語大學(xué)高級翻譯學(xué)院教授。他為人和善誠懇，做事認(rèn)真勤奮，深受學(xué)生愛戴。同時(shí)，他也是一個(gè)中文流利深諳中國文化的老外。在一起吃飯時(shí)，他說不習(xí)慣別人喊他教授，也不習(xí)慣喊他Barry，更不習(xí)慣別人不禮貌的喊他Steben，他說習(xí)慣學(xué)生喊他石老師。以下是請教石老師修改的一篇雅思文章。

原文Topic: Some people think that a high salary is the most important factor of a job. Others say that job satisfaction or being useful to society is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
The elements (1) for good jobs are always different in the mind (2) of different people. Some maintain that high salary is the supreme factor, while others consider job satisfaction or being useful for (3) society as the most important. Personally, I think both sides (4) are reasonable to a certain extent.
(1) elements主要指“元素”，改為“因素”factors,同時(shí)加上修飾詞“essential”。
(2) 變?yōu)閺?fù)數(shù)。
(3) 介詞改為to。
(4) 換成views。
For almost all the (5) job hunters, salary is the first thing coming (6) to their mind(6) when choosing a job. For one thing, a well-paid (7) job can promote (8) an employee's confidence in life (9). As a result of this (10), he or she will exert more enthusiasm to fulfill their tasks (11). For another (12), a high salary also guarantees (13) a decent and enjoyable life. With enough money, people can buy large houses, cars, and fashionable clothes. With enough money, they can send (14) children to good schools, so can they (15) travel to their long-cherished destinations.
(5) 不特指，刪除。
(6)，原文語法無誤，石老師認(rèn)為改為salary is the first thing that comes to their minds更合適。這就是感覺。
(7) 改為well-paying, 但他說well-paid不算錯(cuò)。
(8) 此詞不合適，常被中國人濫用，換成strengthen，同時(shí)指出enhance 感覺也怪怪的。
(9) 把confidence換成更明確的self-confidence,刪除累贅的in life。
(10) 直接用as a result 更爽快。中國學(xué)生喜歡啰嗦，弄得累贅。
(11) 此處表達(dá)他感覺也是不舒服，把he or she簡化為he, 同時(shí)把按原句改為will put more enthusiasm into his work, 后來覺得不符合英語習(xí)慣，又改為will do his work with more enthusiasm。
(12) 覺得有點(diǎn)怪，換成moreover。
(13) Guarantee先被換成assure, 并說他傾向于用此詞。 后又把整句改為Moreover, a high salary also allows a person to live a decent and enjoyable life.
(14) 缺少限定詞their,并說這是中國學(xué)生的習(xí)慣錯(cuò)誤，受漢語影響。
(15) 此句原為倒裝，他覺得讀起來不自然，改為and they can
On the other hand, there are a number of (16) people who take satisfaction into consideration (17). They regard job satisfaction as the most significant (18). They believe happiness is (19) the supreme element(20) of life. So it is not hard to see（21） sometimes if they are at odds with the （22）boss or someone else in the office, they will quit the（23） job with no hesitation. Additionally（24）, being useful for society is the pursuit of some people（25）. They consider themselves as the guardians of the society or the planet（26）. Therefore, we can often see people busy with public affairs or charity with no purpose of getting a handsome pay（27）. In fact, these kind people（28） do make much contribution（29） to our society.
(16) a number of為“幾個(gè)”之意，改為many或a large number of
(17) 改為people who regard job-satisfaction as the most important thing。
(18)多余， 刪除此句。
(19) Happiness不能取代job-satisfaction。
(20) Element不合適。
(21) 刪除it is not hard to see，可以說得更清爽點(diǎn)。
(22) The 換成their。
(23) 同上。
(24) Additionally換成then。我覺得不改也無礙。
(25) 直接把整句改為Then there are those who regard being useful to society as the most important consideration。
(26) 此句有點(diǎn)奇怪，干脆刪除。
(27) 此句中can多余，busy換成動(dòng)詞用法更好，charity改為更具體的charitable activities, purpose改為intent, a handsome pay 有點(diǎn)colloquial,換成financial reward更妥。
(28) these kind people（這些善良的人們），先是改為such kind people,后又干脆改為such people。
(29) 改為可數(shù)make contributions to 。
Jobs carry so much weight in our adult life that we have every reason to be serious with our decision（30）. As for me(31）, a good job should render me money（32） to support my family. Meanwhile,（33） it should never be a boring one, instead there should be fun and challenges in the course of doing it（34）. Also, I hope what I am doing is meaningful to the society（35）.
(30) 整句改為Our jobs occupy such an important position in our living that we really must be careful with our choice。
(31) 直接for me。
(32) Render被中國學(xué)生看做高級詞，他選詞不當(dāng)，換成provide。
(33) 換成at the same time。
(34) 此處整句改為At the same time, it must be an interesting job that offers challenges to my intelligence and capabilities.我覺得挺好的。
(35) 整句改為Also, I hope the work I am doing contributes meaningfully to society. 把what I am doing 換成the work I am doing，is meaningful to換成contributes meaningfully to,同時(shí)認(rèn)為the society不需加定冠詞the。
Barry Steben 認(rèn)為以上文章的作者在寫作技巧上表現(xiàn)不俗，能在句型及詞匯上做到多變，但同時(shí)人為他的英語能力有限，不能很地道很純正地用英語表達(dá)自己的思想。整個(gè)修改過程他都很認(rèn)真，但也很糾結(jié)，老是抓腦袋，哈，大概是中國學(xué)生的英文令他很痛苦。也許是在思考。修改過程中，和修改后，石老師都很謙虛地說還有更好的改法，限于時(shí)間和精力，他只能那么改了。我崇敬他的為人。

經(jīng)過以上修改，形成以下一篇雅思文章。這仍然不是最好的的文章，但整個(gè)修改過程大家看了之后一定會(huì)有所收獲。
      The essential factors for good jobs are always different in the minds of different people. Some maintain that a high salary is the supreme factor, while others consider job satisfaction or being useful to society to be the most important. Personally, I think both views are acceptable to a certain extent.

For almost all the job hunters, salary is the first thing that comes to their minds when choosing a job. For one thing, a well-paying job can strengthen an employee’s self-confidence. As a result, the employee will work with more enthusiasm. Moreover, a high salary also allows a person to live a decent and enjoyable life. With enough money, people can buy large houses, cars, and fashionable clothes. With enough money, they can send their children to good schools, so can they travel to their long-cherished destinations.

On the other hand, there are many people who regard job-satisfaction as the first consideration. They believe satisfaction or a sense of achievement gained from their jobs is a life-time pursuit. So sometimes if they are at odds with their boss or someone else in the office, they will quit their job with no hesitation. Then, there are those who regard being useful to society as the most important thing to consider. Therefore, we can often see people who engage themselves in public affairs or charitable activities with no intent of financial reward. In fact, such kinds of people do make many contributions to our society.
Our jobs occupy such an important position in our living that we really must be careful with our choice. For me, a good job should provide me with enough money to support my family. At the same time, it must be an interesting job that offers challenges to my intelligence and capabilities. Also, I hope the work I am doing contributes meaningfully to society.

他在修改其間多次談到一個(gè)“衍”字，他的意思是“累贅”，也有跑題的意思。他說中國學(xué)生寫文章常常會(huì)出現(xiàn)累贅現(xiàn)象，主要受中式思維影響。從我多年的教學(xué)經(jīng)歷中，我也感覺到了這一點(diǎn)。
 

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