托福作文如何突破瓶頸

很多學(xué)生在備考托福的時(shí)候，都會(huì)遇到瓶頸。拿作文舉例，很多學(xué)生剛開始學(xué)習(xí)的時(shí)候就可以得到23,24分的作文成績(jī)，但是卻再也提高不上去了。今天這篇文章，就是為這樣的學(xué)生打開思路，讓他們知道高分作文的要求。希望學(xué)生們閱讀之后可以廣開思路。

昨天，學(xué)生敏敏寫了一篇。全文結(jié)構(gòu)正確，文字流暢，但是我希望她能向著高分進(jìn)軍，于是，給出了如下幾個(gè)方面的提高要求。

作文題目：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Television advertising directed towards youngchildren (aged two to five) should not be allowed.

Use specific reasons and examples to support youranswer.

翻譯：

你是否同意以下言論？

針對(duì)2-5歲兒童的電視廣告不應(yīng)被允許。

用具體的原因和例子來支持你的回答。

學(xué)生情況分析：

學(xué)生已經(jīng)掌握了的基本寫法，而現(xiàn)在要努力把文章寫的更唯美一些。

可以有以下的做法：

在文章中加入修辭形式，如排比、類比、比喻等。

In the market economy, television advertising has been serving as an influential and even magical siren 【此處運(yùn)用了metaphor】 to call on potential customers to accept her ideas and to squander their money, trying their best to buy everything broadcast or presented on the television screen. Because of the predominant power of persuasion, most industrialists, manufacturers, and shop owners 【此處運(yùn)用了parallelism】dream of utilizing intriguing television advertisements to attract as many consumers as possible, thereby ushering the advertisements into every corner of oursocial life. However,【轉(zhuǎn)折提亮了中心思想】 the television advertising targeting on young children of less than five years of age should be immediately banned, because its detrimental effect is no less than the effect of virus on a body with insufficient immune systems.【此處運(yùn)用了analogy】

翻譯與分析：

這一段116個(gè)字，作為開頭段，有一點(diǎn)長(zhǎng)。但是這是一個(gè)可以讓我們看清寫作方向的范本。

（1）第一句話中運(yùn)用的比喻（metaphor）已經(jīng)暗中說出對(duì)于電視廣告的不滿，因?yàn)檫@一句話中把電視廣告比喻做海妖（siren）。“在市場(chǎng)經(jīng)濟(jì)中，電視廣告已經(jīng)作為一個(gè)強(qiáng)有力甚至是有魔力的海妖，在召喚潛在消費(fèi)者去接受她的理念并且去揮金如土，竭盡全力去購(gòu)買電視屏幕上播放或者展示的一切商品。”比喻，作為一種修辭手法，運(yùn)用得當(dāng)?shù)脑�，�?huì)給文章加分。

（2）第二句話“因?yàn)榭涨敖^后的說服力，大多數(shù)實(shí)業(yè)家、制造商、和店主都?jí)粝肜�用引人入勝的電視廣告來吸引盡可能多的消費(fèi)者，因此將廣告帶入和社會(huì)生活的每一個(gè)角落。”這句話中運(yùn)用了排比，“實(shí)業(yè)家、制造商、和店主”是三個(gè)名詞的排比。注意此處的用詞的多樣性。

（3）第三句話中的原因處將電視廣告對(duì)于兒童的有害影響比作了病毒對(duì)于免疫力不足的肌體的影響，這里的修辭手法是類比（analogy）。

2. 在論述段要做到：論點(diǎn)擲地有聲，例證聲情并茂。

學(xué)生已經(jīng)掌握了論述段的statement + example的基本寫作方法。但是現(xiàn)在要努力提升statement和example 的質(zhì)量。

【Statement:】As is known to all, young children eagerly seek and assimilate knowledge in order to build up their knowledge framework. Therefore, it is the responsibility of their parents and even of the whole society to provide them with truth rather than distorted, exaggerated, or prejudiced information. Unfortunately,in its desperate desire to boost its sales, television advertising is liable to instill wrong information into children’s mind, thus leading to serious misunderstanding which might jeopardize children’s future development. Thinking of this potential disaster, we should not allow such television advertisements.

翻譯與分析：

這個(gè)論點(diǎn)有點(diǎn)長(zhǎng)，86個(gè)字，但是也可以說明道理。

“眾所周知，兒童積極的尋求并且吸收知識(shí)，以便于建立他們自己的知識(shí)框架。因此，家庭和社會(huì)都有責(zé)任給孩子講述真理而非扭曲的、夸大其詞的、或者是有偏見的信息。不幸的是，在肆無忌憚的尋求提升銷售量的過程中，電視廣告傾向于給孩子灌輸錯(cuò)誤的信息，從而導(dǎo)致孩子有嚴(yán)重的誤解，而這種誤解有可能危害到孩子未來的成長(zhǎng)發(fā)育�？紤]到這種潛在的災(zāi)難，這樣的電視廣告不可以被允許。”

由此可見，論點(diǎn)要盡量寫的確鑿無疑，不容辯駁。感覺像在報(bào)紙上讀到的新聞一樣。

這句話也可以簡(jiǎn)單寫成：“First, television advertising might mislead children so that their knowledge framework might be distorted.”但是這種論證過程就不是特別充分。

同樣，這一段話中，可以通過把第二句省略來簡(jiǎn)短一點(diǎn)。這樣讀起來也沒有不通順。

同樣，最后一句是對(duì)于中心思想的回應(yīng)，也是可有可無的，不會(huì)影響整體的理解。因此，如果要縮減篇幅，上面一段的statement可以寫成：

【Statement:】
As is known to all, young children eagerly seek and assimilate knowledge in order to build up their knowledge framework. Unfortunately, in its desperate desire to boost its sales, television advertising is liable to instill wrong information into children’s mind, thus leading to serious misunderstanding which might jeopardize children’s future development.

這樣只有51個(gè)字的statement在正式考試中是比較合適的字?jǐn)?shù)量。

【Example:】
Take my childhood experience as an example. When I was only four years old, I was deeply impressed by a television advertisement of yoghurt. “Taking yoghurt, youare smarter! Taking yoghurt, you are prettier!”I shouted out this slogan all day long and yelled to my parents for yoghurt. This experience, now in my recalling, was unreasonable and even rediculous, but at that time it became my belief: I even needed to carry a box of yoghurt in order to give myself confidencein front of the public. Last year, I happened to read an article stating that yoghurt might not be as nutritious and beneficial to human being as we once assumed. At that time I was so angry with the childhood advertisement as to attempt to ask the businessman, “Why did you use such distorted advertisement to mislead us?” Luckyfor us, at least the yoghurt I ate was not toxic. If that advertisement was about medical pills or some harmful electronic devices, the disasters would be too terrible to consider.

分析：

以上的例子有點(diǎn)長(zhǎng)，我就不給出翻譯了。大家估計(jì)也能看懂。這里的關(guān)鍵在于例子的聲情并茂，栩栩如生。為了做到這一點(diǎn)，就需要適當(dāng)運(yùn)用引用（direct quotation），并且要帶入真情實(shí)感。

小結(jié)：

一篇托福文章，首先要保證的是結(jié)構(gòu)正確，用詞、語法正確。在保證了正確性的前提下，還要增加句式、用詞、修辭等方面的多樣性，才能夠得到理想的分?jǐn)?shù)。所以，大家加油！