托福作文批改參考

In times of an economic crisis, in which area should the government reduce its spending? 1. Education 2. Health care 3. Support for the unemployed

其實(shí)這題目選擇就有些迷茫了，就內(nèi)容來(lái)說(shuō)，明顯“education”好寫(xiě)：
1. Modern Education----computer-based ----online materials----save money 然后再對(duì)比2、3兩個(gè)的緊急性
2. Modern education---individual / private investment {why?--cuz---scientific research ---profits}---so governmental support is not necessary 再對(duì)比2、3
3. 一般你 2個(gè)主體理由展開(kāi)充分，基本字?jǐn)?shù)就是400以上了；只是如果還想再深入點(diǎn)可以加入：education is a lifelong career----sustainable and steady----it is less susceptible to financial crisis

【Governments over the world are paying great attention to their social economy, the rate of the unemployed and the welfare of people in order to circumvent economic crisis since the Great Depression. According to Karl Heinrich Marx, there is gyration of economic crisis in capital countries and it will just occur in a cycle.】背景引得很高大尚，但是這和主題之間繞得太遠(yuǎn)。
One of the measures that governments commonly use is to decrease its cost. However, it is surely a controversial issue that in which fields we should reduce the financing. Some people choose education and some choose health care, while others may choose the economic support for the unemployed. ｛前端背景過(guò)于高，這里直入主題改寫(xiě)卻瞬間low掉了==如此反差不能增分｝模版, fee for health care is the one to be declined in such a circumstance. 模版開(kāi)頭的字?jǐn)?shù)遠(yuǎn)超于主體本身，頭重腳輕

First and foremost, spending for education should always be the last one to be reduced.我不明白題目核心討論哪個(gè)被削減，為什么你主體上來(lái)就和我說(shuō)兩個(gè)不該被削減的理由； Science and technology is undoubtedly the dominant factor of boosting the chronic economical progression in the current world. Whereas, only when one has received comprehensive education with splendid quality, only when one has a wide range of knowledge, can he or she make great contribution to the society.

Therefore, apparently education functions as the hinge of the holistic economic development and every one can see what serious aftermath it will incur if the education of a country ebbs.你的問(wèn)題很簡(jiǎn)單，GRE寫(xiě)作寫(xiě)慣了，高大尚卻內(nèi)容空洞！雖然高分依然可以保證，但是親，注意托福是有機(jī)改，所以不能完全看出你的問(wèn)題，如果后期國(guó)外寫(xiě)論文，我建議你開(kāi)始撇開(kāi)詞匯句法｛你已經(jīng)很ok了｝，把重心放在內(nèi)容展開(kāi)上面

Furthermore, support for the unemployed is indispensible for both the government and the society. It is a common scene that corporations decide to cut staff to compensate for the decline of margin and this will result in panic and subsequently a chain reaction. The unemployed do not have salaries and thus most of them will choose to deal with variegated consumptions 如此搭配？Non-native 同時(shí)到底哪些“消費(fèi)””什么樣的行為”？所有細(xì)節(jié)點(diǎn)都沒(méi)說(shuō)明，一筆帶過(guò)no development in a more scrupulous and frugal manner and that in turn will overall decrease the social consumption level. Factories and companies may be put on a more soddish{informal language} position. However, if the government endorse those unemployed, the situation is very likely to be meliorated.

Last but not least, it seems to be an understandable decision for the government to temporarily reduce the health care espousing to the public. Workers will comparatively easily accept the alteration in the health care funding since they have witnessed the reduction in their wages. 全文真正該說(shuō)的重點(diǎn)，卻一筆帶過(guò)。。。。

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