雅思作文點(diǎn)評(píng)“漲價(jià)是否是解決環(huán)境問題的方法”

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The best way to solve environmental problems is to raise the price of fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As we see, smog is choking our cities and toxic chemicals are contaminating our drinking water, lowering the quality of people's living conditions. Naturally, the question is in the spotlight whether it is effective to cope with environmental problems by raising the price of fuel. (這個(gè)句子寫得比較特殊，因?yàn)槭侵v前面的 the question 和后面的同位語從句 whether it is effective… 隔開了，"兇手"是謂語部分 is in the spotlight，俗稱分割式同位語從句。) And my sense is that it is a good way, but never the best.

點(diǎn)評(píng)：看了第一段的語言，感覺作者英語水平應(yīng)該很高，不管是從語言方面還是從表達(dá)的內(nèi)容方面都很老練。其次，值得一提的是，再怎么優(yōu)秀的文章，結(jié)構(gòu)基本還是一樣的。此段也是先引入話題，然后表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn)。所以，對(duì)于那些一天到晚總在研究作文結(jié)構(gòu)的同學(xué)來說，你們可以休息一下了，把精力放到語言上來吧。文章的結(jié)構(gòu)，特別是首尾段的太容易了，沒什么多研究的。

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It is true that manufacturers, whose aim is to make more profits, have to limit the amount of fuel used in production by some way, (多么不好的表達(dá)！本來句子寫得挺好的，結(jié)果來了句 by some way ，可以理解為通過某種方式。這樣的話，應(yīng)該不能算是錯(cuò)誤的。但是從另外個(gè)角度，總覺得這個(gè)表達(dá)放在這個(gè)句子里有點(diǎn)"雞立鶴群"的感覺，有待精益求精！) due to the increase of fuel price, to cut down on their cost of products, reducing the emission in the process of manufacture。 (作者整句的意思是想說：“生產(chǎn)商的目的是獲得更高的利潤，所以必須通過某種方式限制生產(chǎn)過程所用的燃料。因?yàn)槿剂蟽r(jià)格上升了，這樣做可以降低產(chǎn)品的成本，減少生產(chǎn)過程中氣體排放。”翻譯成中文以后，我們?cè)賮砜催@個(gè)句子：最后的 reducing the emission ...應(yīng)該是可以理解了，它是 limit the amount of fuel used in production 的結(jié)果狀語。而 to cut down on their cost of products 呢？是目的。) Also, faced with sharply growing price of common fuels, producers may turn to new types of energy resources that are economical as well as harmless to environment (還是前面加個(gè) the 吧， environment 是可數(shù)名詞) , in long term.(前面逗號(hào)可以不要，改成 in the long term �？磥碜髡邔�(duì)冠詞的把握不好。)

點(diǎn)評(píng)：此段充分顯示了作者的語言功底，對(duì)復(fù)雜長句的掌握得心應(yīng)手。本段中的長句完全可以當(dāng)作我們翻譯練習(xí)的例句。因?yàn)閷?duì)翻譯來說，這樣的句子最能考驗(yàn)學(xué)生對(duì)句子結(jié)構(gòu)的分析。但是，雅思考試的時(shí)候，考官是否能看懂呢？我想考官是能夠看懂的，但問題是考官會(huì)不會(huì)花心思去看？這個(gè)是因考官而異，所以我主張句子寫得復(fù)雜沒有問題，但是結(jié)構(gòu)一定要清晰。不能復(fù)雜到連考官都琢磨半天，那就不好了！

另外，我們發(fā)現(xiàn)此段并沒有比較難的單詞。這說明什么呢？好的作文也不需要刻意追求詞匯的難度，而是詞匯的廣度！

But, as usual, only when the government or authoritative organizations enforce environmental regulations on producers will the latter scenario happen.( 倒裝句開頭，不錯(cuò)。) In other words, the authorities play an active role in preventing the excessive pollutants from pouring out into rivers or air. Without the compulsory clauses, manufacturers may choose low-cost fuel, rather than the one inoffensive to the surroundings, for, in the short term, manufacturers, especially small ones, can not afford the high expense on( 應(yīng)該是 of 吧 ) advanced equipment that can make the most of resources, and thus, lessen the pollutants. (又是個(gè)厲害的長句，但是對(duì)冠詞的把握仍然是瑕疵。)

點(diǎn)評(píng)：語言功底好的人有什么特點(diǎn)？從句嗎？不是。是非謂語動(dòng)詞和從句的結(jié)合。另外，大家可以學(xué)個(gè)單詞：scenario ，它表示“可能發(fā)生的情況”，比如： The death of democracy becomes quite a likely scenario.

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Furthermore, on the whole, the high fuel price of energy resources can not eliminate the pollution, because there, whether more or less, has still been pollution. ( whether more or less 雖然是插入語，但是感覺這句這樣寫有點(diǎn)不自然，而且后面是用完成時(shí)似乎也不對(duì)。試改為：there is still more or less pollution. ) And, the radical approach to the environmental problems lies with the environmental awareness of producers. With the broad awareness about the importance of sustainable development, producers are willing to develop renewable energy resources, instead of being compelled to carry out the environmental policy established by the government, which is more effective but more difficult to reach. ( 長句，大家欣賞一下吧。)

So, the environmental problems can be solved by the rise in price of fuel partially, but not radically. And then, better to take advantage to all the price mechanism, administration and the public's knowledge, than to make use of only one of them.

點(diǎn)評(píng)：最后一段是敗筆，或者說明顯寫的沒前面幾段好！試改為：Therefore, raising fuel price can, to some extent, tackle the environmental problems but is far from thoroughly and the combination of price mechanism, administration and public knowledge is much better than make use of merely one of them.

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綜合評(píng)定:8分。

這篇文章整體來說寫的很好，作者寫作功底很深，對(duì)長句、復(fù)雜句等句型運(yùn)用的得心應(yīng)手。整篇文章，結(jié)構(gòu)清晰，用詞簡單但能表達(dá)廣度。不過在冠詞方面的欠缺是一個(gè)遺憾。

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