教師深度點(diǎn)評托福作文 批改前后實(shí)例對照

托福作文批改實(shí)例：論廣告投入與收益的合理性

托福寫作Topic（題目）：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

Target text（托福作文正文）:

In this increasingly competitive society,people are almost bombarded with innumerable advertisements everyday.Advertisements have become one of the most significant form to promote the brand awareness.Many companies even raise the advertisement strategy to the top level company’s strategy,they spend much money on such projects,entrusting some professional advertising company,to make better advertisements than their competitors.As far as I am concerned,It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising,in order to succeed.

Firstly,A decent and well-known commercial can lead to a good profits.The brand image can be set up through advertisements,which can lead more people to know the company and products.It can also arouse consumer’s curiosity,the probable of people’s initiative attention will rise,and finally they will they will buy the company’s goods as soon as they appreciate the brand and the products.For example,Nao Baijin,a well-known brand of health products in China.On average,one of every two hundred people know about the brand,which result from the excellent advertisements.Almost everybody,whatever they are familiar with health care products,can see the Nao Baijin’s commercial in CCTV-1 channel every night,which contains two lovely cartoon old people who were dancing with beautiful acoustic background music.All the people will miss their parents when they see this advertisements and want to buy some gifts for their father and mother,so the Nao Baijin, a kind of health care products for old generation,become the best choice for them.We can see,a huge profits are brought by the good advertisement.

Secondly,advertisements can creative a desire for a product that might not have been there otherwise.A good advertisement can make it seem as if the entire world loves it and you should,too.As the proverb says,people believe the myth and the eventually the myth become the truth.For example,sometimes people,sitting at home,suddenly crave Coca-Cola.They are not wanting plain soda or juice or anything like that.They especially want Coca-Cola.Part of that is the tasty flavor of the beverage.But another part is the intense advertising that Coca-Cola has been doing for decades.A myth had been created that many people in the world are fond of this kind of beverage, and drinking Coca-Cola is a fashionable lifestyle that you will be considered as a countryman if you refuse it.So people gradually approve this kind of drink.A new desire for a product is created by the advertisements.

Admittedly,some advantages of putting less money on advertising can be recognized.It is helpful for a company to spend more money on promoting the quality of products.Undoubtedly,the quality is the base of the brand,so achieving enhancement of products quality is the most significant task for a company.However,promoting the brand image is as important as enhancing the quality. As it turns out,the advertisement,one form can make more people know about and expand the products’ brand awareness,is the most useful way to achieve that goal.In conclusion,I therefore reinforce my stand point that It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising,in order to succeed.Not only can it lead to more profits,but it also create a new desire for the product.

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托福作文批改后 / Revised essay——

★ 橙色標(biāo)注文字為托福作文批改建議

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

In this increasingly competitive society, people are almost bombarded with innumerable advertisements every [分開]day. Advertisements have become one of the most significant form to promote the brand awareness【表達(dá)太chinglish中式了 】.Many companies even raise the advertisement strategy to the top level company’s【刪掉】 strategy, they spend much money on such projects, entrusting some professional advertising company, to make better advertisements than their competitors. As far as I am concerned, It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising, in order to succeed. 【英式表達(dá)習(xí)慣沒有培養(yǎng)起來 感覺就是從中文到英語逐字翻譯 其實(shí)不是的 中英對照的時候 你是想想漢語意思 然后再找對應(yīng)的句型表達(dá) 而不是一個詞組一個詞組對應(yīng) 要不就顯得不地道】

Firstly, A decent and well-known commercial can lead to a good profits. 【短小精悍的句子用好了也很招閱卷老師喜歡 特別是分論點(diǎn)的時候 不過太過于樸實(shí)也不好 注意下次積累顯擺幾個出彩的句型詞組會更好哦】The brand image can be set up through advertisements, which can lead more people to know the company and products. It can also arouse consumer’s curiosity, the probable of people’s initiative attention will rise【主謂不搭】,and finally they will they will 【刪掉】buy the company’s goods as soon as they appreciate the brand and the products. For example, Nao Baijin, a well-known brand of health products in China. On average,one of every two hundred people know about【刪掉】 the brand, whichresult【單三】 from【in】 the excellent advertisements. Almost everybody ,whatever they are【，】【whether 】familiar with health care products[or not] ,can see the Nao Baijin’s commercial in CCTV-1 channel every night, which contains two lovely cartoon old people who were dancing with beautiful acoustic background music. All the people will miss their parents when they see this advertisements and want to buy some gifts for their father and mother, so the Nao Baijin, a kind of health care products for old generation, become the best choice for them.We can see,a huge profits are brought by the good advertisement. 【句子其實(shí)有點(diǎn)不簡潔 像這種情況 就是從句分局很繞的時候 你可以考慮把句子簡化考慮下概括成詞組 或者變成名詞 選好謂語 這樣你的句子 詞組 都有了 既有多樣性表達(dá)顯示了文采 又不顯得啰嗦 好好看看例文揣摩一下】

Secondly, advertisements can creative a desire for a product that might not have been there otherwise . 【表達(dá)太chinglish中式了 】A good advertisement can make【這個用的不好 同類表達(dá)你就用諸如contribute to,be conductive to ,enable，facilitate好了】 it seem as if the entire world loves it and you should ,too. 【表達(dá)太chinglish中式了 】As the proverb says, people believe the myth and the eventually the myth become the truth.【自己編的】 For example, sometimes people ,sitting at home, suddenly crave Coca-Cola. They are not wanting plain soda or juice or anything like that. 【口語化】They especially want Coca-Cola. Part of that is the tasty flavor of the beverage. But another part is the intense advertising that Coca-Cola has been doing for decades. A myth had been created that many people in the world are fond of this kind of beverage, and drinking Coca-Cola is a fashionable lifestyle that you will be considered as a countryman if you refuse it. So people gradually approve this kind of drink. A new desire for a product is created by the advertisements. 【英式表達(dá)習(xí)慣沒有培養(yǎng)起來 感覺就是從中文到英語逐字翻譯 其實(shí)不是的 中英對照的時候 你是想想漢語意思 然后再找對應(yīng)的句型表達(dá) 而不是一個詞組一個詞組對應(yīng) 要不就顯得不地道】

Admittedly, some advantages of putting less money on advertising can be recognized. It is helpful for a company to spend more money on promoting the quality of products. Undoubtedly,the quality is the base of the brand, so achieving enhancement of products quality is the most significant task for a company. However,promoting the brand image is as important as enhancing the quality. As it turns out, the advertisement, one form can make more people know about and expand the products’ brand awareness,is the most useful way to achieve that goal. In conclusion,I therefore reinforce my stand point that It is essential for a company to put more money in advertising,in order to succeed.Not only can it lead to more profits,but it also create a new desire for the product. 【基本語法問題 好好檢查自己避免】【結(jié)尾太羅嗦 扯遠(yuǎn)了】

預(yù)估分?jǐn)?shù)：12

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托福寫作學(xué)習(xí)建議：

1、托福作文全文論據(jù)結(jié)構(gòu)安排較好，兩條論據(jù)論A好，一條論B不好，整體采用總分總形式，結(jié)構(gòu)清晰明了。

2、作者應(yīng)在托福寫作遣詞造句上多下工夫，擴(kuò)充詞匯量，句式應(yīng)盡量使用主動形式，可嘗試變換主語來使得托福作文句式更加靈活。

3、盡量避免過于長的語句表達(dá)，托福作文長句的寫作對邏輯思維和語法要求較高。建議先從簡單句子開始練習(xí)托福寫作。托福作文并不是句式越復(fù)雜越好，其宗旨是表達(dá)精煉，論述有力。

4、句子贅述太多，很多句子感覺是中文直譯。建議多閱讀高分的托福作文，注意觀察高分托福作文中對詞語句式的使用。尤其是副詞使用好了，可以達(dá)到四兩撥千斤的效果。

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