雅思寫作范文批改實(shí)例 攻克寫作難關(guān)

WRITING TASK 2
　　You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
　　Write about the following topic:
　　One long-distance flight consumes fuel which a car uses in several years’ time, but they cause the same amount of pollution. So some people think that we should discourage non-essential flights, such as tourist travel, rather than to limit the use of cars.
　　To what extent do you agree or disagree?
　　Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
　　Write at least 250 words.
　　As known by (1) all the individuals (2), pollution is one of the severest (3) threats human beings faced, (4) which result (5) in myriad focuses and worries. However, some people’s idea on flight limitation cannot be accepted by myself (6). Reasons are outlined below.(7)

1.習(xí)慣上用介詞to。
　　2.另外，這句話屬于廢話，純屬湊字?jǐn)?shù)，完全沒有意義，直接刪掉。
　　3.severe的比較級(jí)/最高級(jí)通常是在前面加more/ most，加-r和-st不常用。
　　4.face這個(gè)詞可以用主動(dòng)語態(tài)，也可以用被動(dòng)語態(tài)。如果是主動(dòng)，這里應(yīng)該是human beings face，如果是被動(dòng)，這里應(yīng)該是faced human beings。
　　5.前面的主語是單數(shù)，應(yīng)該也應(yīng)該是單數(shù)。改為results。
　　6.這里為何要強(qiáng)調(diào)myself? 改為me就可以了。但是，改完以后這個(gè)句子還是顯得頭重腳輕，這不是正常的英語句子。
　　7.這句話過于簡短，突然冒出一個(gè)短句讓人難以接受。
　　段落結(jié)構(gòu)：
　　本段完全沒有符合雅思作文開頭的要求。文章的題目是“有人提出要限制飛機(jī)旅行”，但是你前面的重心都是在講環(huán)境污染。然后突然寫“人們對限制飛機(jī)的想法難以被我接受”，銜接非常突兀。下面給你提供一個(gè)示例。

　　SAMPLE ANSWER:
　　Over recent years, some environmentalists propose that non-essential airplanes should be restricted, as they cause severe air pollution. However, I cannot agree with this view and I will outline my reasons as follows.
　　The explanation given by the person (8) who hold the point is that the flight, especially the long-distance one, consumes fuel which equals the usage of a car for several years. But, a quick look at the facts shows a different picture,(9) they must haven’t calculate (10) the actual usage on (11) per person, as plane is (12) a kind of public transport while car is(12) a private one. One the other hand,(14) in the view of mine, (15) its conclusion is also ridiculous and unpractical.
　　8. 這里改為people. 持題目中的觀點(diǎn)的不是一個(gè)人。
　　9. 兩句話不能用逗號(hào)做連接。改為句號(hào)。
　　10. 考試的時(shí)候不要出現(xiàn)縮寫。另外注意后面動(dòng)詞的形式。應(yīng)該是calculated。

　　11. per person本來就可以直接作狀語了，前面不能加on。
　　12. plane和car都是可數(shù)名詞，都不能“裸用”，即前面不加冠詞，后面也不用s。改為復(fù)數(shù)planes和cars。
　　13. 連接詞亂用。為什么這里是“另一方面”?最后一句話應(yīng)該放在下一段的首句，或者直接刪掉。
　　14. In my view就可以了，不用這么糾結(jié)。
The suggestion from the supporter(15) seem(16) to be an environmental advice at the first sight, but really do(16) serious damage to other aspects(17). Firstly, the sky of the tourism will fall. (18) Maldives, known by the typifier (19) of countries whose economy mainly depend on its(20) tourism, cannot survive if the policy of flight limitation carries out. Furthermore, great amount of staffs (21) at airports will lose their jobs, leading to countless social problems as well as increasing the society burden.
　　15. 注意名詞的使用。這里是泛指，而且不是指一個(gè)人，所以應(yīng)該用復(fù)數(shù)形式supporters.
　　16. 注意主謂一致!主語是不可數(shù)名詞suggestion，謂語動(dòng)詞應(yīng)該用第三人稱單數(shù)形式seems才對。后面的do也是does。這一點(diǎn)請尤其注意!
　　17. 中文中可以說“給其它方面造成了損害”，什么東西的其它方面?你之前講過什么方面了?這里改為to society就可以了。
　　18. 不要用這么夸張的短語動(dòng)詞�？梢愿臑閠he tourism industry will be severely affected. 或者The restriction of non-essential air flights will be a heavy blow to the tourism industry.
　　19. 這里的“典型”可以用typical example。不要自己造詞。
　　20. staff是集合名詞，后面不能加s。另外，前面的“數(shù)量”應(yīng)該用number，而且因?yàn)榍懊鏇]有a，所以后面要加上s，huge numbers of staff。

　　On the other perspective, (21) freightage (22) will be greatly affected. Having fresh seafood or imported fruits on the dining-table will absolutely become a dream. It will also leads (23) to many other troubles, such as the reduction of international finance, (24) decline in communication and fall in the efficiency of industry.
　　21. 亂用搭配。perspective表示“觀點(diǎn)”，你這樣搭配算是什么意思?這里是遞進(jìn)關(guān)系，可以用Moreover/ Furthermore這種詞來表示。
　　22. freightage表示“運(yùn)費(fèi)”，而且很少使用，一般用freight就可以了。你這里想表達(dá)的是“國際物流業(yè)”，改為international logistics。
　　23. will后面怎么能用動(dòng)詞的第三人稱單數(shù)形式?改為lead。
　　24. 搭配不當(dāng)。finance可不能跟reduce連用。改為economic recessions就好了。
　　In conclusion, airplane (12) should not be limited in (25) any degree, no matter essential or not. (26) In essence, the most effective way against pollution is a process of upgrading, namely, using the advanced and environmental things, (27) just like airplane, to replace the stale ones. (28) So never astrict the new invention. (29)
　　25. 搭配不當(dāng)。應(yīng)該是to。
　　26. 跑題了!題目只讓你寫non-essential air flights要不要被禁止，你寫essential的干嘛?
　　27.thing這個(gè)詞是一個(gè)很土的詞，因?yàn)楸磉_(dá)的意思太泛了。
　　28. 這個(gè)結(jié)論也很奇怪，不要禁止飛機(jī)就可以了，干嘛還要用飛機(jī)來替代其它的交通工具?這個(gè)有點(diǎn)太過了吧?
　　29. (1)句子過于簡短。(2)為何用祈使句?(3) 單詞拼錯(cuò)了，是restrict. (4) 為什么說飛機(jī)是new invention?這個(gè)跟禁止new invention 有何關(guān)系?

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